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stuff I'm asbsolutely sure about

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Congratulations! Here’s a cat giving you a high five. 

fuckyeah1990s:

Based on a 1995 study by 2Pac and Dr. Dre.

(Source: sickeningliberal, via thebrowychampion)

Why I get nothing done

Noah:  Yo dude
 Sent at 11:51 AM on Monday
 me:  noah!
 Noah:  how you doing man?
 me:  hey is that movie.. does that have anything to do with you?
I haven’t seen it
good
I need a job
how about you?
 Noah:  yea i got paid a consultant fee
just to iron out the finer points of what actually happened
 me:  i figured
 Noah:  haven’t seen it
i already know how it ends
 me:  it’s like titanic right?
 Noah:  i also got casting approval, and russell crowe practically begged me for the part
yea it’s like titanic but with a better constructed boat
 me:  thank God
wow. no pun intended
 Noah:  that’s why you want jews building stuff, not irishment
 Sent at 11:54 AM on Monday
 me:  I don’t know, callahan auto parts are pretty solid
 Noah:  not since Zalinsky took over the brand
fuckin pollocks
 me:  ugh. zalinsky
 Noah:  pollacks?
 me:  polocks?

u momb. u were unlike anything i ever experienced. Eleanor was lucky to have you. I was lucky to have Eleanor. 

You did so good momb. With Eleanor. With life. I will never stop learning from you or your daughter. Harmless, inspirational, motivational, wonderful, K.C. Theis, Momb. 

(Source: dboybaker, via catp0rn)

At the Cosmic Connection exhibit at the Griffith Observatory, where a 175’ display illustrates the universe via celestial-themed jewelry and trinkets:

HIM: Where did they get all this ugly gold jewelry?

HER: Glendale. 

#wow

Here are white men poised to run big marijuana businesses, dreaming of cashing in big—big money, big businesses selling weed—after 40 years of impoverished black kids getting prison time for selling weed, and their families and futures destroyed. Now, white men are planning to get rich doing precisely the same thing? …

After waging a brutal war on poor communities of color, a drug war that has decimated families, spread despair and hopelessness through entire communities, and a war that has fanned the flames of the very violence it was supposedly intended to address and control; after pouring billions of dollars into prisons and allowing schools to fail; we’re gonna simply say, we’re done now? I think we have to be willing, as we’re talking about legalization, to also start talking about reparations for the war on drugs, how to repair the harm caused. …

At the end of apartheid in South Africa there was an understanding that there could be no healing, no progress, no reconciliation without truth. You can’t just destroy a people and then say ‘It’s over, we’re stopping now.’ You have to be willing to deal with the truth, deal with the history openly and honestly.

—    Michelle Alexander, associate professor of law at Ohio State University and author of The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness quoted from White Men Get Rich from Legal Pot, Black Men Stay in Prison. Alexander’s thesis is that the USA is addicted to caste systems, regardless of what is deemed legal or illegal. (via nezua)

(via beinghave)

BREAK-UP INSTRUCTIONS: VOLUME 1 - THE SLOW FADE

How many times have you thought to yourself: “I really want to break up with my boyfriend but don’t want to go through a breakup!”

This is a very special sort of break up where rather than be honest, you can methodically become less and less responsive to your bf, thereby distancing yourself, and slowly devour his soul. 

This method has been proven to cause a successful breakup while relieving yourself of any guilt, avoiding any sort of emotional confrontation, and putting your bf through an immense amount of pain. 3 birds, 1 stone. 

Here’s how it works!

1) Go away for a period of 2-3 months under the guise of work and/or family visits. 

2) Slowly stop responding to texts. If he calls you out and asks if everything is okay, simply say: “I’ve been busy.” 

3) Simple excuses:  

BF: “Wanna skype so I can see your pretty face?” 

GF: “My internet isn’t so good.”

  ——————————————————————

BF: ”What’s your address at home so I can send you a Christmas gift/ Valentine’s Day gift/ etc.” 

GF: “I don’t know where I’ll be those days.”

   —————————————————————-

BF: “Did you get the emails I sent you with the fun pictures of us? Or the short video I made for you?”

GF: “I haven’t checked my email in a while.”

  —————————————————————-

BF: “When are you coming back?”

GF: “I haven’t booked a ticket yet. Maybe next month.”

  —————————————————————-

BF: “I love you.”

GF: “Thanks!”

————————————————————

BF: “Wtf is going on?”

GF: “I don’t want to have this conversation over the phone.”

 ——————————————————-

By now, he should be so insecure and confused, you can really cut down on the contact. Exploit this.

If he has any self-esteem left, he’ll break up with you. But he doesn’t. Don’t worry! He’s very close to breaking!  

4) Avoid talking about the issue at all costs. Over the phone break-ups are so high school. Even though you’ve already made up your mind and started the process, making him crazy wondering what the deal is is always a better, more adult option.

5) The Home Stretch: You’ve the laid the groundwork. The past few months have been tricky, but now he’s accustomed to you not returning your calls, texts, fb posts or emails. He’s probably wondering what’s wrong with himself, not realizing it’s all a game.

IDEALLY, he won’t be able to take the pain anymore and just let go, leaving a confused, insecure shell of a man who doesn’t understand what happened (And leaving you with a guilt-free breakup!).

IF HE CAN’T TAKE A HINT, you may still have to have a brief talk. BUT THAT’S FINE! You can use the excuse "It’s not my fault! We just grew apart!" This alleviates any responsibility of honesty toward the man you dated for 2 years.  

There you go. 5 simple steps to break up with a guy without actually breaking up with him via THE SLOW FADE.

GOOD LUCK!

wtf toothpick

I just used a one-sided toothpick.

Why? Why would they only have one end be usable? the other end is just this useless nub. wth? it’s exactly half as effective as a regular toothpick.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a one-ended toothpick.